Are your kids trying to tell you something
Are your kids trying to tell you something?
A few months ago I had a conversation with a man that I will refer to as “John”. John, now 46 years old, shared with me a secret he had kept for 40 years. It was the sad story of how he was raped at the age of 7, by a teenage boy. The rape was obviously a horrific event. I could see in John’s eyes the pain it has caused him. John remembers how for weeks following the incident because of the trauma and fear of possibly meeting up with the teenage boy again, he restricted his play area to his front porch. John lived with his parents and sister, out in the country and most days, prior to the incident, he was found out in the woods far beyond his front porch.
It seemed to me, as John was telling his story, that this detail of being afraid to leave his porch area was one detail that left him puzzled. As he began to elaborate on this portion of the story, I was saddened by his rememberence of these weeks following the rape. John told me that typically, as a 7 year old, he could be found out and about exploring the woods and countryside. It seemed that John was quite at home in such a rural area and that he thrived in such a playground. John began to talk more about this time, then asked me a question that seemed to have lingered in his mind for 40 years…
“Why didn’t my family question the change in my behavior?”
I wish I could have answered that for him. Unfortunately, I don’t think his question will ever be answered.
“Are your kids trying to tell you something?” John was trying to tell his parents something but no one was hearing him. At the extent of the change in his behavior, it seemed as though John was screaming but still know one was listening. Would an inquiry as to why John had all of a sudden restricted himself to the front porch changed the path of his life?
The years following the rape, John struggled with many areas of childhood and on to adulthood he now fights depression. I do see some “fight” in John as right now he is in the process of quiting a 20 year habit of smoking. As part of the “non-smoking” plan, John is adapting a lifestyle of exercise and general well being. Perhaps this success will lead to the confrontation of his depression as well. I sure hope so and wish him much success.
Back to my question…
“Are your kids trying to tell you something?”
Just last week, my son was so excited to get a huge lollipop from a candy store we visited while out of town. Later that night when he began to indulge in his treat, I began to give instructions for a task he was to tend to. Of course, in typical 8 year old boy fashion, he could care less about my agenda and disregarded me and my instruction. Well, of course, I proceeded to take his candy away from him, put it on the shelf and told him just what I thought about his pre-occupation with his candy and disregard for my instruction!
Some moments later, after the dust had settled, I had gone on about my business when I noticed my son still sitting where I had left him, and suddenly it hit me…
As I had said… we were on vacation and earlier we had visited this huge candy store, a first for my son. My son is not allowed much candy on a regular basis so you can imagine the excitement of being able to tackle an entire candy store!! So of course he chose to buy the biggest piece of candy he could find. The huge lollipop. He had carried that lollipop all day and before it was over it had been a mock steering wheel, banjo, microphone etc… he really was getting good use of his little treasure. Then there he was at the end of his day about to enjoy the taste, smell and mess of his treasure, and along I came trying to make a point. To me it was just another piece of candy but to my son, an 8 year old boy, it was his whole world. It was so much more than what I had imagined. I realize that my story isn’t in the same realm of John’s tragic event, none-the-less, as a parent I missed, at the moment, what my son was trying to tell me. Just like John’s parents missed his screams. With just a moment of my time dedicated to my sons eyes and body language I could have seen how this huge lollipop was, to him, at that moment, his whole life. I should have seen it before I did but even though I was a few minutes late, I managed to finally hear him trying to tell me how he was feeling. I went on to repair my sons heart and put his world back together. Had I have missed the moment, I don’t think it would have changed the path of his life, however, knowing that if someone would have recognized John’s “moment” it may not have avoided his battles but it could have changed his view of the army supporting him and possibly knowing he had an army on his side, could have changed his journey.
As a mom, I will try my best to see and hear my children more clearly than before. I will take the time to listen to what my childs actions and reactions are telling me, I hope you will do the same with your children. May our children never have to ask…
“why didn’t my parent’s question the change…..?”
Sincerely,
Terri
